I’m getting sick of it. Sick of everything. I’m getting sick of my showerhead not having enough water pressure. I’m getting sick of the cold freezing the whiskers on my face when I walk outside. I’m sick of how tight my thermal underwear is and how tight my socks are and how much I need to work to get them off when I step inside and start over heating. I’m sick of not knowing which way the knob goes when I’m turning on my radiator. I’m sick of the food I eat, I’m sick of this chair. I’m sick of this little room, I’m sick of being inside all day. I’m sick of having songs stuck in my head, and of having words that won’s go away, words that apply themselves to everything I think about. I’m sick of the wind. I’m sick of going to the same places every day, and I’m sick of having to deal with new places I’m unfamiliar with. I’m sick of not going anywhere at all. I’m sick of all the little ways I need to get through the world. I’m sick of having free time.
This was never a problem at work. I had too much to do. How long have I been to busy to know I hated everything around me? Everyone I spent time with socially was really just spending time with me professionally. I have nothing in common with these people. They’re not my friends and never will be.
We were friends by convenience.
I feel like I’m running, and I’m sick of running. Being where I was didn’t help, and getting away didn’t help. What the hell am I supposed to do? I just wake up in a bad mood, and get madder as the day goes on, so I fall asleep having done nothing. Yesterday I watched videos on YouTube all day, and read half of a book I don’t like.
I need something radical. I need to change. Christ, I need to get out of here. I’m sick of the people on my floor, and I’m sick of having to try to figure out where I’m going to go. I’m about to throw a dart at a map. I’m sick of wasting time writing this and not figuring that out. I’m sick of looking at cities and figuring out why I don’t like them.
If I have one more free day where I do nothing, the following day I’m going to buy a gun and go Cobain.