Today is it. I’m unemployed.
To think how hard I had to claw my way into this job, all the things I had to do, all the people I had to please, all the lines I had to memorize. The lies I told; I told a few. What do I have to show for it? Money? My mis-spent twenties? If I hear any of their goddamned ‘speak’ again, it will be too soon. I’m still leaving.
Donovan had given me a choice: leave of my own free will or let him remove me. That isn’t a choice to begin with, that’s what I think. Let them look over the city from their penthouses, their spacious apartments, their glasses of champagne, toasting themselves. Joke’s on them, the Department is doomed without me.
The truth is, I keep hearing there’s more to life than x, and I’m starting to feel like x. And while the coming winter has driven away all the hipsters, maybe I have some room in this idea for myself. It’s ironic they should be attracted to somewhere so concrete; maybe they feel they’re ‘needed’ here. It is a feeling I do not know. It’s become my belief that maybe that was the problem with Angeles, too much flatness, not enough people. The building here are shaped, designed, lived in; everything there is run down, if you can’t make use of it, abandon it and move somewhere else.
It’s also become my belief that white people need someone to talk to, more than anything. We need someone to just air our thoughts to, to let it all out at the end of the day. When someone else does it to us, and then lets us do it to them, that’s a match. It’s better than sex, cause I’ve felt stressed after sex too. Ever considered tomorrow’s schedule while your dick is in a girl’s mouth? I have.
They say being in my situation is winning at life, I don’t agree. I’ve got to figure something out, and fast. I forced myself to let the landlord know I’m moving out at the end of the year. That’s six weeks? Should be long enough to say goodbye to this city, at least the parts I knew. I’ve been saying goodbye for a while now. As I walked across the bridge, I looked south and there’s Lady Liberty. She won’t miss me. I’ve long since taken my departure of Lady Justice.
I really, really need to find a place to live. I like the haste, the anxiety, but I only like it as a problem to be solved; this enjoyment is temporary. Anyone have any ideas?