Jesus christ, I could tell. As if we were fucking each other, he saw a look on my face, read it perfectly. And I realized I was giving it to him. It may have been the first time. God, it may just be the last.
Yeah, well, Donovan, this is on the internet. This is evidence now. Go ahead and use it, I dare you. There’s nothing written that I broke. Those dirty rat fuckers want to meddle with our taxes, well they won’t deign to screw with me personally. This is a declaration of war. You know what’s happening, now you can deal with it, don’t just sit and try to comprehend it. I’m getting out, and I’m going where you’ll never find me. If I ever see you again, it will be too soon.
I don’t hate you Donovan. Christ, look what you become. Today was the first day I’ve run without speeding a case through my head, and I felt empty. So I kept running. I got off at fifth cause fuck it and went north until I saw grass and went around the reservoir and pulled as many circles around that place as I could think of cause why not. Then I ran to that little park in the Village and went the long way round and it was getting dark and I got back on the subway at West 4th.
Something about the college students sitting in the last remnants of the sun makes me feel like I never lived, or that we’ve been in some game I don’t know how to play.
My legs were tired when I got home, but nothing else was, so I started doing push-ups until my knuckles were red and my arms shook. Then I bent them halfway and held it, but that didn’t last. So I did a hundred crunches, that got boring, so I started some curls, and then I realized I didn’t have a case in my head, so I went back to the Village after a shower and hit up Market Table on Carmine between Bedford and Bleecker where the streets get crooked for a minute and got a double bacon cheese. Tomorrow shall be the Delta in Hell’s Kitchen cause they say that’s the best goddamned southern food in the city. I don’t know what today is. If I don’t gain twelve pounds in twelve days, I’m doing it wrong.
That bacon was crispy. I didn’t remember burgers having so much grease. I wasn’t hungry but I wasn’t full, so I got a banana, an apple, and an orange, a package of raisins, a carton of blueberries, some popcorn, and a couple sweet potatoes and just snacked through the night. It felt weird to be constantly on the full threshold, and I don’t know if I want to do it again. There was some Bulleit left, and I had a generous nightcap.
That was last night. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight.
Why am I writing this? None of you people even know who I am. None of you people have met me. That’s because none of you people exist outside my head. My theoretical audience, I christen thee never-born. Consider it catharsis. I’ll talk about it later. I didn’t sleep, but now I have to go to work. I think I can avoid Donovan today.