For All and None

Papers shuffle. Keys click. Printers hum. I occasionally sneeze. My office mate – David – questions whether or not I am allergic to him. On each of these occasions.

10:24. The time is a taunting reminder in the corner of my screen. I’ve only been in this office an hour and already would like to smash my head on something. Or maybe just smash something.

It is my first day.

The ever lovely Julie, who is apparently my “boss,” explained to me that I should spend the remainder of the week working on a press release, introduced me to David, and her chunky heels went tapping down the hallway.

I continue to stare at my computer screen, not quite wanting to start the press release, because then what the fuck am I going to do for the next three days?

I cannot help but think of my cousin Liam. He is a 30something attorney with a tribe of kids and as he so abysmally puts it, ‘a fat wife.’ Liam is clearly not happy with his life. However, I enjoy his presence at required functions because he usually gets quite drunk and starts talking about his fraternity days. You know the type – he remains obsessed with college, and I imagine he is one of those creepy weirdos that shows up at parties on alumni weekend because the dudes just can’t. let. go. And well it’s all of course very amusing to me.

Liam recently shared an anecdote with me about getting high before work and how much work he got done that morning. I obviously thought it to be an alarming tale. However, I shall momentarily begin my plotting for getting stoned before work on Monday.

David appears to be playing some type of virtual reality-based game. Though not entirely unpleasant, he really enjoys making unsolicited comments for no clear reason. I’m not sure this sharing an office situation will work out for us.

I’m going to be meeting some of the others at a luncheon later. Statistically, I am thinking that at least someone will be decently pleasant. Right? Or at least more appealing than David. Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this far too much – for the past hour, to be precise.

10:36. Truly. I am going to lose it if this is life. My bored level is a 36.

This days needs to end.  Now.



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