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////ROLAND////

I am selling the house, that’s it. I had it appraised at $280,000. I’m sure if I try and sell it for $250k, it’ll go quickly. I’m going to give the mother-in-law a cut of the money, and tell her to fuck off. I don’t care anymore, I really don’t. Lou isn’t coming back, and I’m not going anywhere. So, my answer to all of this? I am going somewhere indeed.

I’ve always wanted to get a winnebago. I am going to get one. I am going to drive around this country until I don’t hate myself anymore. I am going to buy a big fucking winnebago, and I’m just going to go. I will finally do all of the things I’ve been too petrified to do. I will drive to Graceland and have gay sex with an underage Elvis impersonator. I will visit the baseball Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown. I will gamble away $5,000 in Las Vegas. I will try to smoke some drugs, although I’m not sure I’ll enjoy that. But it’s worth a try.

I’ve decided to embrace the bad language and the evil thoughts too. I have been drinking everyday, and I like it. And I’ve even gone out to get drunk, in bars, with people. Everyone is sad in bars though. And there are too many young kids with fake IDs. I did meet a nice guy named Fred the other night. What a name for a guy in a bar, Fred. We talked about They Might Be Giants, the nerd band we both loved in high school. And we talked about freedom; Fred is a rider of motorcycles. It was stupid, just a small talk that lasted less than an hour while we both got shitfaced. But it was the most human contact I’ve had in almost two years now. He said he’d see me around, and I really hope he’s right. I’ve gone back to that bar every night for the last 4 nights, but no Fred.

The Winnebago is on my mind a lot though. I have seen a few movies where people travel around in winnebagos and have great experiences. They meet American families, and travelers, and transients. People in RVs have a good time. That’s what I want. No, no, I don’t want it. But I need it.

I woke up the other morning and saw that the water in the neighbor’s pool was pink. I wanted to laugh, but I cried a little bit. I can’t believe I did that. I can’t do that anymore. No more playing with sharp objects for Roland. If I want to hurt someone, I should stick to self-destruction only. The innocent are innocent.

I don’t have a lot else to say right now. I am in transit. Things are changing though. Things are looking up, even. I certainly don’t think I’m cured. But I am looking at things differently now. I have more power than I give myself credit for. So I’m going to work on that, building myself up. Maybe I’ll find away to use my energy wisely. No more sharp objects though.

Hopefully I’ll be able to write about my new Winnebago pretty soon. I am excited. Ha! Me, excited? Who knew?!

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